Letter from a Man Who Once Loved Me

FullSizeRender-4*All bracketed information is my commentary*


Doon-sqi, poopface, pokemon cartoon squeaky thing, etc. [racist, gross, weird]. Anyway, you are officially 20 years old. Wow–2 decades of life on this earth, your biological clock must really be ticking hard [so sweet…]. Well, the good news is you are over 2/3 of the way to your destiny. Only about 8 years or so til’ you get what’s coming to you [murder???]. I’m sending you this book so you can continue your search for names that I can live with, and you can feel are unique enough [he sent me a baby naming book and yes, insinuated even then that I was a grotsky hipster who needed to pick a unique name]. I bought the book with the most total names, so we could have plenty of options.

(Tara, now that we are apart I realize that I took us for granted this summer. Sorry, obvi. [Cool, brah.] It has really set in now.) I want to spend all my time with you, actually share, not spend. I think about you all day, every day, and I’m more in love than ever. I want to be with you forever, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make that happen. [Ok, that’s kind of sweet…]I want you to be the mother of my children, which hopefully will look nothing like the baby in the bottom left corner of the book [baby book reference, again–is this getting weird?].

Oh yeah, I realized that if you had weed growing out of your armpits, or something, I wouldn’t ever have to leave your side [does Shakespeare know about this gem of poetry???].

You are doing a great job this semester of not freaking out, so keep it up doonie! [AKA you’re not being crazy by calling me on the phone every now and then, and yes, doonie is short for the racists epithet doon-coon…I LOVED THIS MAN, PEOPLE].

I promise you that the next two decades will be of no comparison to the first two. We’ll be 40, and still ridiculously in love with each other, and have at least 2 wildmen runnin’ around playin’ with their peenies like a guitar [throwback to a charming story he once told me about runnin’ around playin’ with his own peenie like a guitar….].

I can’t wait–and you can wait even less [ummm, thanks?].

Jesus… I have to go take this to UPS right now.

You are AmazingAmazingAmazing. Untouchable–


J + “Peenie”

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